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faithfool i want to believe

Tuesday, June 25, 2002

Anybody want to give me this? I'll be forever grateful. I'll even beg if you tell me where you are.

Monday, June 24, 2002

A(n undeveloped) metaphysics of loneliness. Iíve always been haunted by the concept of "alone". What is it that makes some people loners? Why do others go to such lengths to have people constantly beside them?
I think it was T.S. Elliot who once said, "hell is alone." I came across this quote once and I was so struck by it that I wrote it at the back cover of my notebook. (I still remember that notebook. It had Mr. Bean for a cover and something about "private smallish notebooks" scrawled on top of his weird smile.) Is being alone really like going through hell? If yes, does this necessarily mean that surrounding yourself with people will make you happy?
I was in law school this Saturday, on my way to the comfort room (Iíve always thought that the smell of shit or piss could lead to unexpected intellectual/spiritual epiphanies), when I realized that man, at the state of nature, is alone. Why else are we born one at a time? (I know, youíll say that two babies canít possibly come out through that small opening simultaneously. But if nature willed it otherwise, surely the reproductive system would look much different? Use your imagination.)
Everything really is a cosmic joke. We are born alone. We strive throughout our lives to find someone. And the cosmos will do everything to tear you apart. Why? Because it is not natural. Natural is alone.
Consider: There are times when a person is conceived together with someone else, as in the case of twins. That would have been the perfect instance (if your twin was of the opposite sex) for people to go through life together, loving each other. But what happens? As soon as youíre out of the world, you learn that thatís a sin. Thatís incest.
Iím rambling. I donít make much sense, do I? Well, itís past six in the evening and itís time to go home. Youíll have to excuse me then if I donít exactly seem sane.


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