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faithfool i want to believe

Friday, April 05, 2002

What's yours? This piece by Craig Taylor talks about the soundtrack of love. I think Garbage's No. 1 Crush qualifies. No empirical basis for my choice though.
Tell me yours.

This is not about Rico Yan, although this may be my subsconscious telling me to stop dwelling on his death. I had a nightmare last night. I was up until 2 am, nagmumuni-muni(reflecting) on stuff that I've always wanted to do (You see, I promised myself that I'll devote my one-year break from school to doing everything I've always wanted to do. My break is almost over but it feels like I haven't accomplished anything.). About an hour after I fell asleep, I woke up almost out of breath. I had a bad dream. I can't remember the details now but I think I was being confronted by someone or something. I was really scared to go back to sleep after that.
I looked up the word bangungot, or nightmare in English, and this is what I saw. Based on the article, I have nothing to fear. Those who die from nightmares are mostly males.
And the last time that I checked, I wasn't (not dead, you idiot, MALE!).

Thursday, April 04, 2002

You might want to listen to this. Here's a nice song by Brendan Benson that I discovered today. I'll probably swing by Music One or Tower Records one of these days to check if they have it. The song is Life in the D and the album is called Lafalco. The first stanze goes like this:
My life in D is a tragicomedy
A poetic verse
It's voodoo some say black magic ettouffe
A dead man's curse.

Thoughts. I couldn't sleep last night, my mind was occupied by existential questions. I was thinking of how four years ago, I would lie awake for most of the night worrying about how my life would turn out. I still hadn't graduated from college then. I was supposed to be finishing my thesis but I was actually just bumming around. I called it running in place. And boy, I could really run furiously. But I never seemed to get anywhere.
All those nights I was up thinking, I'd get so worked up over all the possibilities, all the things I could do to get out of the rut I was in. I promised myself that the following day I would start working on my thesis. I would get my life in order. Then I would wait anxiously for sunlight to stream through my window and tell me that the pivotal day in my life has already dawned. Somehow though, when the sun finally shows its face, I'll still be tied to my bed and taking it easy. I used to hate myself during those days. Why do I procrastinate so much when I knew how important it was? How could I not do something when it was my future on the line?
Now I realize that I may have been crippled by fear during those times. There was no one to give me structure and deadlines. And I do very badly in unstructured situations because I can always find excuses for goofing off. I couldn't rely on others as well. All my friends had graduated and moved on. I was left all alone to deal with everything.
I don't know what finally spurred me to get my act together but I did.
My days of being a bum, however, did wonders for my soul (I can tell you're incredulous but humor me.). I got to read a LOT and, in doing so, learn a SOME important things. Henry David Thoreau comes to mind. He said that everybody marches to the beat of a different drum. There's also Ricky Lee's version: the trip to Quiapo. When you start off for Quiapo, you can take different routes, and a host of options for transportation. You can even walk. What's important is you do get to Quiapo. This taught me to not compare myself too much to other people. Who knows what bullshit these supposedly lucky people have to put up with?
Better the bullshit that you know (and eat with and sleep with) than those that you don't.
I was wondering why, suddenly, what happened four years ago has taken charge of my thoughts. I guess it's my subconscious telling me not to be too hard on myself. After all, everything is well. The fact that I've been sleeping well lately is proof enough of that.

Wednesday, April 03, 2002

Oh! what pain is this! A bit melodramatic, you might say. Not when you're in my shoes, however. I was goofing off at the office for the past few days, learning css and using it to redesign this site. After a couple of days (plus a lot of code stealing... er, uh... borrowing), I finally got the basics down. I came up with something a bit decent. (Paste very excited smile here.) So I decided to try it on this page. Yes, this explains why this page looked real bad at intervals today.
I don't know what happened. I previewed it on IE5 before uploading the new template and everything looked fine. I tried using it on my BlogSpot account and it also worked out fine. When I uploaded it to this Tripod hosted page, everything was all over the place, and in the worst places.
I blame Tripod of course. But how can I unlove them (it?) when they (it?) let(s) me squat here for free?
Oh! oh! All my blood, sweat, and templates for nothing.

I got mail. Just wanted to share something I got through e-mail that I thought was funny:
Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Witness: No.
Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
Witness: No.
Attorney: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Attorney: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law somewhere.

Monday, April 01, 2002

In case you're confused... I got a Mac in the office. At home, I mutate into a PC person.

Resurrection, man, is sweeter after death. Did I just say that? Well, it should be pretty obvious though since only someone who died can rise from the dead.
In my case though, the death was more of a digital one. My home computer crashed during the long Lenten weekend. Whatever I did, I just couldn't convince the dang hard disk to start spinning again. After about half a day's worth of curses and frantic tweaking of the computer, I gave up. Time of death? 12:00 nn, Friday morning (noon?).
So I had to content myself with an analog, or at least un-digital, existence.
In times like this, desperate people will turn toward tv. So I did. This meant:
1) 7th Heaven marathon, no thanks to channel 23
2) HBO marathon (this was on Friday, when they decided to take a break from 7th Heaven)
3) 7th Heaven marathon (again!)
This also meant other things such as:
1) finished reading Eva Luna by Isabel Allende
2) attempted to continue reading Don de Lillo's Ratner's Star. Still didn't get it though, so I put it down.
3) unearthed some of my law stuff and reviewed some. (Okay, I really had to do this. I'd forgotten almost everything, owing to my one year break. If I don't want to look stupid in June, I really have to read up).
It's Monday morning. My computer is not well yet. I'll probably buy a new hard disk on Saturday. This means I have to sneak my posts here at the office, while supposedly working.


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